Everybody Hates Caruso
Everybody Hates Caruso was the second episode of the third season of Everybody Hates Chris. It was the 46th episode overall. It premired on October 8, 2007.

SHORT SUMMARY: Caruso gets beat up by a kid he picked on and abdicates his role as school bully. Unfortunately, the situation makes life even more troublesome for Chris, because his fellow students are vying for Caruso's old post- by picking on him. Back at home, Julius takes on extra work while he is supposed to be on vacation and tries to hide it from Rochelle.

FULL RECAP: Unfortunately for Chris, his bully hasn't had the luxury of being brainwashed to believe strange nerdy behavior means mutant superpowers attributable to a drug-induced haze. Caruso the Bully hits Chris every chance he gets. He hits him for lunch money, he hits him when he feels sick, and he hits him just 'cuz.

One day Chris and his best friend, Greg, are walking home when they see Caruso and his pals getting their butts kicked by some Asian kid, who apparently took up karate after tiring of getting robbed by the bully for his lunch money. As the Asian kid walks away from the scene, he snaps at Chris and Greg: "What're you staring at?!"

Of course, the two kids back up against the wall and let him walk by. Later they assume he's taken Caruso's place and reverently offer him their lunch money. Instead, he tells them to keep their money; he was just tired of being beaten by Caruso. Meanwhile, Caruso slinks away with his tail between his legs and humbly asks Chris later to call him Joey.

Life without Caruso aggression seems great - until Chris's school drops into anarchy as every kid fights to take Caruso's place. It's kind of like "The Godfather," except without cannoli, naptime with the fishes, and Diane Keaton. Worse, Chris is still getting shoved into lockers, except this time by any bully-hopeful. Narrator Chris Rock comments that after Joey Caruso gives him his lunch money, he and Greg used the money to buy lunch all right, but eight different bullies took a slice of that pizza.

"I was getting beat like eggs at IHOP!" claims Chris Rock.

Chris knows he needs to put Caruso back in power to rule the school so he can focus his fear toward just one other student. He talks Caruso into trying once more against Asian kid Bernard Yao, who Chris bribes to take a fall with math tutoring. Yeah, Yao's an Asian kid who's not good at math. So what! Chris snaps that he doesn't like watermelon.

While Chris is returning his school back to single-bully-rule, his dad is trying to hide the fact that he picked up a side job as some kind of UPS man during his five vacation days. Stressed out by debt, the idea of sitting around at home while bills pile up freak Julius out more than the idea of working until he drops from exhaustion.

So Julius has to pick up a package at the place where Rochelle happens to work. Turns out Rochelle placed the call so she could go off on him for taking the second job during his vacation.

Happily for Chris, his plan to return Caruso to power at school works and Caruso's once more kicking his butt. Things are back to normal, except that now Chris has to help Yao with math.

Yao: I'm failing math. I've got work to do. I don't have time for this.
Chris: Wait, you're not good at math?
Yao: What? Just because I'm Asian, I have to be good at math? You're black, can you moonwalk?
Chris: I didn't mean it like that. And no, I can't moonwalk.
Yao: So, I can't use chopsticks.
Chris: I don't like watermelon.
Yao: I can't make a swan out of paper.
Chris: I don't have sickle cell anemia.
Yao: I don't run a dry cleaners.
Narrator: I bet you like rice!

Narrator: I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight. I felt just like Don King.
Caruso: Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?
Yao: Why don't you ask your mother?

Rochelle: You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.
Narrator: My mom was makin' a lotta sense. Unfortunately, all my dad heard was…
Rochelle: You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heatin', coolin', washin', dryin'.
Narrator: My mom thought it was work that gave my dad stress, but she was wrong. It was debt.

Chris: Every superhero needs a villain. I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watchin' super TV. And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr. Doom? At the circus.

To watch the full episode click HERE

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License